Not This Time, Buster
by Larry Miller on Friday, March 14th, 2008First of all, isn’t five thousand dollars a lot for sex? No, really. That’s the first thing I thought.
I may not be a porn star with hour-long stamina and foot-long — well, stamina, but five grand is, come on, a vacation somewhere, or a good used car, or a new kitchen, or the fanciest bar-mitzvah in 1976. But one orgasm? Even two small ones. Are you kidding me? Never mind right or wrong, I just think it’s an awful lot of money.
Even for the prettiest girl in the world — and, frankly, what are the odds his “date” was that – she’s just a woman and you’re just a middle-aged man with thin hair, and the whole thing is over and done with, and she’s getting dressed while you’re standing in a shower pretty much like the one you have at home. I know what I’d be thinking: “Five grand. Whoa. I may be the dumbest guy in history. Lucky for me I’m the governor of a big state.”
Second, if there’s a cheesier name in the history of hooking than “Emperor’s Club VIP,” I’d like to know what it is. A team of comedy writers could work for a month and not beat it. Eucchhh. It even smells a little right through the TV, doesn’t it? “Emperor’s Club VIP” is so low it makes Telly Savalas for “The Player’s Club” look like Twelfth Night.
Third — and this is really the only important thing to me — I’ve had it with these guys forcing their wives to stand up there with them.
Seriously. There’s no reason for it. It doesn’t help the family, it doesn’t help the state, it doesn’t help the country or the culture, and it surely doesn’t help the wife.
Actually, there is one reason for it: The self-absorbed son-of-a-bitch is still in such deep denial of what he’s done, he actually thinks showing his shaken wife might salvage his career.
You know what I’d like to see? Just once? I’d like to see the wife interrupt his limp, stupid attempt at grandeur and step forward and say, “Excuse me, folks, but there’s something I’d like to say here.” Then I’d like her to whip around and punch him right in the nose. Bang. It doesn’t have to knock him down, and probably wouldn’t, but the look on his face would be worth it. Then she could shout, “You want to lick your wounds? Why don’t you get your whore girlfriend to do it? What’s she get for that, ten thousand?”
Then she could straighten her pearls, raise her chin and walk off stage.
I don’t think there’s a man or woman, young or old, left or right, gay or straight who wouldn’t want to see that.
Hey, here’s a better idea. If Hillary Clinton becomes president, and has an affair while in office — I’m not saying she should, I’m just saying if — I think this is the way to guarantee her election.
Think about it: If, in the next big speech or debate she says, “I promise to have an affair in my first hundred days — or a hundred affairs on my first day — and then hold a big press conference to apologize, where my husband has to stand a few inches behind me with his hands folded looking hurt but supportive. Further, I promise it won’t be a fast statement with no questions where the guy turns tail and darts off stage, but I’ll answer every question from every reporter — print, TV, magazines, foreign press, cable access, stringers, free-lancers, bloggers, C-span, hobbyists, amateurs, escaped mental patients, everybody — including follow-ups. I’ll even throw in a bathroom break. During that, everyone can leave their cameras on Bill’s face and show me just staring at him. Then we’ll all adjourn to the bar at the Mayflower for drinks. On Bill. One of those road speeches of his could keep the press corps drinking for a year, even if you throw in congress. If it goes really well we’ll do the whole thing again the next day. Maybe once a week. Invite regular people from every state who aren’t even writers. And at the end of every one, I’ll smile at him sweetly and say, ‘What’s the matter, honey? Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.’ Then I’ll stroll offstage whistling.”
Forget health care or terrorism or the economy. There isn’t one voting American who wouldn’t get a kick out of seeing that.
And, by the way, the rest of the world would be terrified.
Now that’s what I call unity.
LARRY MILLER Friday 3/14/08
Hi Larry, I’ve been a fan of yours for a couple years now and I just wanted let you know that I think your clearly a strong actor in your own right. I was particulary inpressed and suprised when I came across your very believable performance as the Villain of the little known film, Carnival of Souls. Everything I’ve heard about those kind of people seemed to be evidant in your potrayal. So I was wondering could you please tell me a little about that experience, you know, what was it like to play both a pedophile and an Evil Clown? And if possible could you post a picture from the movie, of you in the full costume?
Thank you for your time, take care, regards Gary.
Gary
March 26th, 2008
Hi, I have been a fan for years. Really enjoy your blog. Thanks for doing it.
Mary
April 1st, 2008
About a year and a half ago I was in my garage talking to you on the phone. Suddenly you said, “I’m going to have to call you back,” and hung up. You never called back. Seeing your blog tells me that you didn’t perish that day and I’m happy about that. People get busy, I know. Things come up, I understand. My question to you, old friend, is this: Can I go inside now?
Dave
April 7th, 2008
I encountered your blog as a result of a google search intended to determine whether you were moonlighting as NPR’s London correspondent. Lucky me! I’ve been a fan since the “they’d never stop slapping us” era, so am delighted to be able to read your stuff on the intertubes. Thanks for posting.
David Drucker
April 8th, 2008
That’s as good as anything else I can imagine happening from the rest of our choices this year.
“Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.”
HAH!
Tman
April 11th, 2008
I just read Spoiled Rotten America. I’ll probably double your sales in 7 months when I buy a few thousand copies for holiday gifts. I’ve always been a fan - since working with you years ago. I’m not in the same world with you… but still working. Thank you.
taylor
Taylor Mason
April 16th, 2008
Are you the man in the health drink advert?
alison
May 16th, 2008
Hi Larry,
About a year or so ago, I read a story that you had died. Is there another comedian named Larry Miller that I’ve confused you with? Anyway, welcome back!
Steve Moore
May 17th, 2008
I’m glad you have a blog. I got tired of looking up the one online magazine where you occasionally wrote a column, in the hope a new one had been posted. I was hoping with your motif that you would have somehow used a graffic randomizer for the torn holes in the notebook paper. Still got some work to do to make it perfect.
Todd
May 20th, 2008
Larry
will we ever see you in Houston again? If so when?
Dave
May 25th, 2008
What? A comedian who doesn’t come out in favor of shameless immorality? How do you get laughs anyway? Always enjoy your commentary Larry!
matt cardiff
June 10th, 2008
Hello! I heard that you are trying to give your hardcover books away to charities instead of allowing them to be turned into mulch. I am with the Lions Club in Ventura County California and I am in charge of donations for our club and I also aid other local charity groups with their donations. If you would be interested in donating some of your books I could send you a letter on our letterhead with our tax ID number and all that fun legal type stuff.
Stephanie
June 11th, 2008
Larry,
Not going to give you the big fan routine, though I am. Someone told me once that one of the core secrets of the book “Naked Ape” by Desmond Morris was that “root of humor is usually pain”. Not unconditionally true, but often enough. My thoughts are that the ability to recognize pain, parse it, and re-spin it is the mark of an excellent comic and usually requires unique and constantly evolving intellect.
You appear to have and apply this talent, sir.
Karl
June 11th, 2008
You should have a bookshelf in your home entirely filled with your book.
I love your work, and I have your book. I can’t wait until the next.
Best,
Anthony
Anthony
June 17th, 2008
Hi, Larry! Words, your forte, escape me right now. What to say that’s not too sycophantic and, yet, funny in a low-key, chortle-instead-of-guffaw kind of way? Oh well, internet performance anxiety. So, here’s my question: will you bring your book to your personal appearances? I’d love to have one which you’ve signed. Okay, Larry? Now that people have gotten bored and moved on…giggle, fawn, drool - you are so funny!
Denise M. Bowen
June 24th, 2008
Hey Larry…big fan of your stand up stuff, although I haven’t seen enough of it!
I’m writing from Edmonton, Canada and I had to tell you that just yesterday I heard a radio commercial for a comedian (didn’t catch his name, but it most definitely wasn’t you) coming to town here and on his commercial he was doing your bit about “turning 30, pushing 40″ absolutely verbatim! I was actually offended hearing it because I loved it when I saw you do it at some New Year’s show on TV years ago. That rat bastard! Anyway, I don’t know if perhaps there’s a chance he has permission to be doing that act, but if he doesn’t, get up here Godspeed and hunt this weasel down!
Otherwise, hope all is well….
Brian
Brian
July 3rd, 2008