Nostrovya
by Larry Miller on Monday, April 23rd, 2007Drinking makes me laugh. Not my drinking, others. My drinking makes me glower.
I know, I know, horrible problems come up from excessive drinking, and many have to fight it their whole lives. I have spoken at more 12-step groups than anyone you’ve ever met (or anyone in the program), because people over the years see me perform “The Five Levels of Drinking,” or read it in my book, and ask me to do it. This May I’m doing the Midnight Mission benefit for the third or fourth time, because Ed Begley, a guy I just love, calls me every year, and I say sure. The room is filled with hundreds of show business people who’ve changed their lives and are on the wagon successfully, and the first thing I say on the show is always something about me being the only one in the room who’s going home later that night to pour a big, stiff drink.
I guess I mean comedy about drinking (when it’s good) when I say it makes me laugh. Drinking as a topic makes me laugh. I like writing about it, and performing about it.(The only sin to me in raising controversial topics in comedy is whether or not they’re funny.)
The reason I’m bringing all this up is that I heard Boris Yeltsin died today. As you know (or should) he ran Russian for a while (about eight years, actually, right?) after it stopped being the Soviet Union, or the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, and became their current handle, The Commonwealth of Independent States.
Actually, that last one is a head shaker, because the definition of the word “commonwealth” is “a group of independent states”. So The Commonwealth of Independent States is, really, The Group of Independent States… of Independent States.
Another victory for politicians the world over. Wonder what their license plate slogan is.
So the thing about Boris Yeltsin is, with all the disclaimers mentioned above…
Wasn’t he always loaded? That’s the first thing I thought when I heard. I mean, I never knew the man, but wasn’t he always supposed to be, well, just gassed? I don’t mean a little lit up, I mean…
Oh, you know what I mean. Ossified. Gone. Three sheets to the wind. Walloped. Shattered. Reeling. Not a tea totaller.
Cultures are different, and that’s all fine, but pretty much everyone in the world knew that he was a juicer. The riders in his contract probably didn’t have anything about M & M’s. On the other hand, I’ll bet there was a line or two about brands of vodka.
And the thing I’m coming around to with all this is, he was 78. He died at 78.
I think that’s pretty good. To drink like that — and he wasn’t running marathons, either — and make it to 78 is pretty good. Great, really. In fact, unbelievable. Those are seventy-eight Gleason years.
That’s what I call them: Gleason years. Jackie Gleason, God bless him, died at 73, but, come on, he drank like Yeltsin, smoked five packs a day since he was eight, had every woman he ever met, and, as Bob Euker might have said, carried around juuussssttt a little extra weight. Not that old, 73, but, again, those were 73 Gleason years. In a way, that’s like dog years. He was probably really four hundred and ninety.
Was Yeltsin a good leader? Ah, who knows with any of these guys. The one they have now looks like he could strangle you with one hand while doing a crossword puzzle with the other. While getting a foot rub. While having a nurse take his blood pressure. “A hundred twenty over eighty again, President Putin, perfectly normal. I don’t know how you do it, sir. Calm as a cup of tea every time I see you. All righty, I’ll let you get back to strangling that guy. He’s flopping around like a fish.”
Sometimes I think all these guys should drink more, and dance across the stage before their speeches like Yeltsin.
Nostrovya.
LARRY MILLER Monday, 4/23
“I ask forgiveness for not justifying some hopes of those people who believed that at one stroke, in one spurt, we could leap from the gray, stagnant, totalitarian past into the light, rich civilized future,” Yeltsin told the nation in a televised speech to announce his resignation on Dec. 31, 1999.
“I myself believed in this, that we could overcome everything in one spurt.”
Hey, Clinton did.
Nostrovya, Tovarich!
arb
April 23rd, 2007
good to see you back on the blog, Larry.
jason
Jason Thomas
April 24th, 2007
Gleason years! I love it and so will my “five level” drinking friends! Best to you, Larry
Joe
April 29th, 2007
Larry:
I have seen you perform The 5 Levels of Drinking on the tube but is it available on CD or DVD?
Bill Bley
May 2nd, 2007
Larry,
I received an email with a quote about aging that is attributed to George Carlin. I remembered this from one of YOUR stand-up routines, so I thought I would ask if this is, in fact, your writing or if I misremembered hearing you?
The meat of it is that you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you’re PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60, and you HIT 70.
Isn’t this your work?
Tricia
May 15th, 2007
Wow!! Larry Miller has a blog!!! I’m hereby casting Yeltsin aside to fawn over the author. (There’s not many people I’d let myself do this for, Larry.)
I loved “Just Words.” I think I had to watch it twice to realize there was virtually no swearing in it! (Not that I have anything necessarily for or against swearing, but to be as funny as you are without it? Nice job.) I taped your appearance on Arsenio, and I loved you in Necessary Roughness and The Mind of the Married Man. You’re the only reason I’ll watch a Christopher Guest movie, and I’ve totally stolen your “….but never mind that now” line. (I’d steal “….but in a way, aren’t we all?” too, if I thought I could pull it off.)
Anyway, thanks, Larry, for being Larry. I’m delighted to find this blog, and happy to be able to start stalking you in earnest. Because, after all, in a way, aren’t I Larry Miller too?
TJ
June 8th, 2007
Hello,
Any place I can pick up a DVD copy of “Just Words”? GREAT ROUTINE!
Terri
June 9th, 2007
I was reading your bio on the site and noticed the comment about your thesis at Amherst.
What’s your favorite Frank Zappa song? I’ve always been partial to Peaches En Regalia, though just about anything on Hot Rats, Grand Wazoo or Waka Jawaka will do.
Bozoer Rebbe
June 25th, 2007
larry miller,
this is completely off subject but you used to be friends with my mom lisa smith. when you left she married my father dave waldon. well yea they got divorced and now shes remarried to my stepfather moseley collins. well she always talks about you so i thought i would contact you for her. see how you have been. well this is kind of awkward since its on a blog about gambling? haha but yea if you get this and it shows you the email address email us, my mom would love to hear from you!
sincerely,
Lindsey
lindsey waldon
June 30th, 2007
Absolutely love the Skiing bit (heard it on XM Comedy) and want to buy it in any format - mp3, cd, dvd - don’t care so long as I can play it for my wife. I want to send you money! Where can I find it.
Thanks,
Davis Gentry
Davis Gentry
July 23rd, 2007
Just like Davis Gentry … heard the skiing bit on xm comedy … please let me know where i can get a copy of that at????
andrew
September 4th, 2007
larry - sharp writing - i admire yr lines - yeats said there’s no school for singing “but studying monuments of its own merit” - i wanna learn how to tell a story from you - mw
Mark Witucke
November 20th, 2007
“Oh, you know what I mean. Ossified. Gone. Three sheets to the wind. Walloped. Shattered. Reeling. Not a tea totaller.”
this is so brilliant - hyperbole drenched description juxtaposed with understatement that swings up from the end like a rake
i mean really, OSSIFIED drunk?!
chandler couldve used that in the opening of the LONG GOODBYE
Mark Witucke
November 20th, 2007
Larry,
I just discovered your blog, and laughed my ass off at your Yeltsin piece. “Gleason years” - priceless.
We met on the WGA picket line at CBS Radford, and you were kind enough to pose for a photo, and when I posted it on WriterAction.com (WGA members’ bulletin board) I immediately got comments nominating you as comic deity and all-around mensch.
And since your photo was up next to Albert Brooks and Mr. Show’s Brian Posehn, you had some competition.
Anyway, thanks for all the laughs over the years, up through and including “ossified.”
Damn, that’s funny.
Doug Molitor
December 4th, 2007
na zdarovya, l’chaim, salud!
not really about this blog entry, just wanted to thank you for the posting the funniest piece since Cosby’s Noah and The Heart that ate up New York City right on your website. What is the sixth stage of drinking, by the way?
planning on doing another law and order, maybe where your character marries his lawyer and runs an illicit enterprise through her from attica? man, I love to hate that !
or a riff in tim conway’s dorf videos: do the hair dresser from the princess diaries.
stuart teich
December 14th, 2007
Larry, long time listener, 1st time emailer. I am happy to find your site, was just surfin around a bit and thought about the time I heard you do the skiing story, my favorite stand up routine of all time. I have always wished i had a copy, is there a place to purchase a dvd (dont have vhs at home anymore)? If not, what about any other format. Keep up the good work, I’m going to register with your site so I know when you are coming to Dallas. Thanks in advance!! Scott
Scott McKissack
June 2nd, 2008